I often wonder about technology. I know that it is a good thing, but it feels very often like too much of a good thing. With texting and facebook and all that jazz, it sometimes feels like we are making ourselves into caricatures of ourselves. We have so much control over what we put out into the universe as far as pictures and quotes and status updates...we can make the general population believe whatever we want about us. I have a facebook and i post to pictures and i like to see other peoples pictures so i am not separating myself, but i wonder if, as a whole, we are robbing ourselves of real connection with people. It's easy to only be half engaged with an email conversation, easier still with a wall post, or a text, or a status update. None of them require very much of us. You could very easily go an entire week and not have a single face to face conversation, or even telephone, conversation with anyone and still exchange words and information and be "in the loop". We don't have texting and I have very specific reasons for not wanting it. Let me say right off that i agree that it is convenient. I agree that at times it would be nice to just text someone late at night something i forgot to tell them and know that they would receive it the next morning. Or that it would be nice at times to text gavin at work some little thing he needs to know instead of having to call him. However, the benefits do not outweigh the downfalls. Texting means, in my experience, that you are accessible a lot of the time. It means that your phone is buzzing or beeping or vibrating A LOT, so that, even if you don't respond, even if you don't check it right away, your brain is forced into yet another place in space and time. It also means that you can get your thought or question out as instantaneously as you would like without ever having to speak to another human being.

I have been thinking a lot about connection. About being engaged with people and my own heart. About allowing myself to enter into the world instead of float around it distracted and catatonic. People don't know how to talk to one another. Go out to eat somewhere and notice all the couples and friends and family with their phones out. No one looks up. I am not so cynical as to think that it's because deep down all these people have crappy marriages or friendships (although they might). I just think everyone is so afraid they are going to miss something. We are addicted to information. We know a lot. We retain a lot. But i think that a lot of people are sacrificing some real connection. Now I know what everyone is thinking: People have always struggled to really connect. It is part of human nature to want to retreat into oneself, or find a vice for distraction, or keep vulnerability out of the picture. I totally know that... It is part of the curse of sin that we revile community and yet crave it so much. And i also know that throughout history there have been different hurdles and roadblocks that stood in the way of human connection. But what is dangerous about the overflow of technology is that it presents an illusion of connection. Most people feel that they are connected. But i would venture that though they are surrounded, they are not connected.

Part of the reason i feel passionate about this, is because i know how prone i am to distraction and to not being really engaged where i am. I barrel through a lot and come out on the other side realizing i have no idea what hit me. But Acting, I have tie it in somehow, is all about being able to connect. It is all about being able to slow down and find some way to make a piece real. I am not talking about method acting. I am talking about being able to reel your mind in and to focus. I have been moved to tears on several occasions in some of the workshopping we have done in classes...not because i relate directly to a character or a monolouge, although there is that as well. But because i can find what is common and human about that character. You have to be able to delve into the reality of the show so you can breathe life into it. This might sound stupid, and i don't really know how else to explain it, except to say that i have learned how callous my heart often is...how many barriers i have put around it so that i won't have to go to certain places emotionally. But since i began doing more intense work in acting, i have found my heart more tender in general. I feel a lot more fragile in many ways, but i also feel more solid than i have ever felt. Part of that is doing what i believe i was created to do (at least for now). And part of it, as stupid and sappy as it sounds, is learning to really engage with own heart and by extension, others hearts.

This might all sound silly, but i don't really care because i am learning that there are things that are opaque. not everything can be seen through and laughed off, or shrugged off. Not everyone can be satisfied with a pithy facebook wall post. Sometimes they are great and a perfect little reminder that someone is thinking of you- but sometimes i find they can be a substitute for a desire to really connect with the person. So instead of calling and saying hey thinking of you...or emailing, or even sending a message we half-ass it with an abbreviated two lines of something. we can check it off our mental list, but in actuality there has been very little relationship involved.

Ok, i am done. I am off my soapbox. There are so many qualifiers and disclaimers i want to insert but i won't. I am not even going to proofread this. I usually don't anyways, hence the many spelling and grammatical errors. (sorry beth ann.)

Yesterday morning, Gavin was ironing while i was eating breakfast in a disgruntled manner, (i'm sure you have no idea what i am talking about) and he said "tell me your problems and i am going to act like a black maid in the deep south." So then i said, not seriously of course "I hate you"...and he said (in a rather convincing accent, as he swiped the iron over his clean white shirt) "honey, you just need to foget about that man before he makes you unhappy." If he hadn't been a pasty red headed man i might have believed he was mammy from gone with the wind. We had just watched "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" so i think he was feeling inspired. It was hilarious.

I'm baaaaaack.

"Are you writing?" Gavin asks me this every so often, and usually the answer is "not really" or "not enough". He asks this because he knows that it helps me to manage my mind that is constantly working. It helps to just get things on paper sometimes. Most of you understand this I am sure, and for those of you who don't, writing can be as theraputic as a long run, or good conversation...or whatever you do that helps you center yourself. Not to be too "yoga-y" but that is basically what it does for me. Helps me manage my thoughts, helps me see things that seemed like a really big deal as not so much so, or helps me see how vitally important certain things are...

So, i am going to try and blog again. It has been almost a year since my last attempt and if this one doesn't work, it just may not happen. But, Gavin and i have now entered the 21st century and own a working computer so that should make things a bit more doable. also, my blog is a closed blog because it really weirds me out that any old jo could read this stuff, so if you want in, you gotta ask.

I am in my fourth week of classes. My second bachelors for those who need reminding. It's been a rather bumpy beginning. I have to remind myself that i chose to subject myself to the perils of another degree because sometimes i resent my professors for actually thinking i could possibly care about ancient greek instruments or the first version of polyphony. (if you don't know what polyphony is, don't worry...just know you've heard it)...I do have a few classes i love, and they serve as very helpful reminders as to what it is i am doing here. Since last november i have been performing non-stop, and it has been wonderful. Nothing on this planet besides my close relationships, is so clear and real to me as getting to communicate through plays, musicals, oratorio etc. It doesn't even make sense to me how perfect a fit it is for me to do what i amattempting to do. You often hear actors talk about how lucky they are to be in this business and how they are compelled to do it; how they have the greatest job in the world. That is because most of them probably really feel that way. I have been in some really crappy shows, I have been in some really quality shows, but in all of them you will be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't want to be there. This fact is most obvious because in many cases for live theatre you are not getting paid. This summer was my first experience of being paid for live theatre and to me it just felt like a bonus. Imagine your favorite thing to do... No really think for a minute about the thing you most enjoy doing.....Good. Now imagine someone paying you for it! That is how i continue to revive myself in this absurd career path that is filled with rejection and competition and insincerity and long hours. I know that things could change and God could steer me in a different direction. In a lot of ways i ignored how strongly this desire pressed on me for several years... and now God hasgraciously given me opportunity, desire, ability and people who support me...These things i do not take for granted. I prayed for them all for a long time and now it delights me to work on my craft and pursue excellence. I hope that it will always be to his glory. I hope i will always be aware of the responsibility and weight that "show biz" puts on people, especially christians. But i am so confident that this is my calling. Doesn't mean it won't change, but until that time, i consider myself lucky to love something this much.

To finish,I love these shoes and had to put their picture up.